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Author Topic: Gallows humour during lockdown  (Read 844 times)

Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« on: August 27, 2021, 05:57:06 pm »
Nine weeks of lockdown. never knew I could sleep so much during the day and lay wide awake at night!

Funny how doing nothing leads to doing a lot more  of it. Not very stimulating

Looked over my fishing gear but had trouble seeing it through the tears in my eyes. Reading works for a while but somehow it also loses its appeal. especially if reading about someone having a great fishing trip.

One exciting thing happened yesterday, saw my cardio specialist for a regular check up. Gave me some new meds and told me I have to go on a diet and lose 20Kg by the next time that I see him in 6 months. Cant wait!

So to break the cycle I am going to try and post at least one humorous post every week.

Here is the first one.


 

Telling a person to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.
I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.  Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say:  "close enough."

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker.  I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the
point.  The glass is refillable.

Retired:  under new management. See spouse for details.

When you can't find the sunshine...be the sunshine.

I don't have grey hair.  I have wisdom highlights.

I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

Hold on while I overthink this.

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don't listen and...something else.

Never laugh at your spouse's choices.  You are one of them.

One minute you're young and fun.  The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm
going to concentrate on getting taller.

Day 12 without chocolate...lost hearing in my left eye.

Some people are like clouds; once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal
with everyone who doesn't have it.

 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

Cheers all

Paikea
PAIKEA

zappy

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2021, 07:03:38 pm »
well done mate good to have a giggle at this end of the week  laugh1 I imagine it would be tough being locked up its bad enough working all summer without a break while everyone else enjoys fishing etc . keep up the good humour  goodjob1

Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2021, 02:36:11 pm »
Her is the next piece of wisdom.  yak1

This is really worth reading. I hope you enjoy it. An interesting perspective – I never really looked at it this way…
 
THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT
 
THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, OF THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982.
 
The Magic Bank Account
 
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules:
 
The set of rules:
 
1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you
 
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other accou
 
3. You may only spend it.
 
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.
 
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
 
What would you personally do?
 
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
 
You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?
 
ACTUALLY, THIS GAME is REAL ...
 
Shocked ?? YES!!
 
Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it.
 
The PRIZE is *TIME*
 
1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life.
 
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.
 
3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.
 
4. Yesterday is forever gone.
 
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...
 
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
 
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.  Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
 
So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!
 
Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”....
 
DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD!! SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!!    agree1 cool1
 
 

PAIKEA

proka

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2021, 08:04:54 pm »
Now I really liked this post thumbsup1

Makes you reflect on the important things grin1

proka


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Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2021, 09:04:32 am »
Here is one that will make you think.

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!
 
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.




 
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having it off with his wife. laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

Cheers

Paikea

PAIKEA

reddory

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2021, 07:03:23 am »
Haha, priceless!  Thanks, Hank - I'll definitely be sharing that one around.

Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2021, 08:47:32 am »
This is for all you gents who love language. (PAUL, IS THAT YOU?)

Subject:  When insults had class.

Remember when the English language had not been boiled down to little more than 4-letter words? AND WE RESPECTED OUR POLITICIANS?

 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.” - Disraeli

"He had delusions of adequacy .”
-Walter Kerr 
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” 
- Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
-Clarence Darrow 
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.”
-Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” 
-Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
-Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.”
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
 
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”
-Winston Churchill.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.”
-Stephen Bishop 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
-John Bright 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.”
-Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
-Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
- Paul Keating.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
-Forrest Tucker.
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?” 
-Mark Twain. 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” 
-Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” 
-Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” 
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912). 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.”
-Billy Wilder. 
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” 
Groucho Marx


HANDS UP IF YOU GOT A LAUGH OUT OF THESE. IF YOU DIDNT YOU MUST BE IN LOCKDOWN WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR LEFT. laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

CHEERS ALL

PAIKEA

PAIKEA

proka

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2021, 10:02:58 pm »
Here is one that will make you think.

Greek Philosophy --- As pertinent today as 399 BC !!
 
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.




 
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having it off with his wife. laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1

Cheers

Paikea
laugh1 laugh1


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What has 4,882km's of coastline? think1

Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2021, 10:00:21 am »
Hey, is anyone reading these jokes?

Some feedback from members would be appreciated.

Paikea


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.  He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."  sorry1

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."  wish1
 
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.  He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." oops1

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1 laugh1


PAIKEA

reddory

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2021, 03:13:10 pm »
This is for all you gents who love language. (PAUL, IS THAT YOU?)

CHEERS ALL

PAIKEA

“I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.” (Groucho Marx)


Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2021, 03:19:01 pm »
I knew it!

Cheers

Paikea
PAIKEA

Paikea

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Gallows humour during lockdown
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2021, 09:15:07 am »
It will be interesting to see who/how your mind works when sighting this picture.

Looking for a suitable caption. Any ideas? The funniest one receives a special mention.

Isn't lockdown great, so inspiring.

Can anyone tell me how to turn the picture in the post thru 90 Degrees? Tried everything but no luck. I post it the right way up but it turns when I post it? 

Cheers

Paikea
 


« Last Edit: September 14, 2021, 09:26:30 am by Paikea »
PAIKEA

reddory

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« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2021, 11:06:27 am »
It's OK, mate: when you click on the pic to enlarge it, it turns right-way up automatically.

Here's my offering for a caption:

            "What's all this paper doing in my poop tray???"


Paikea

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« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2021, 05:08:04 pm »
A mate of mine with a very black sense of humor said

Is that mail order pussy? laugh1 laugh1

Cheers



PAIKEA

 

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